MATCH REPORT - Melchester VS Fischer Cafe

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(Thanks to Galia and Yuliya for providing the photos!)

MATCH REPORT - WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE, SAY WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE!

Toppermost of the poppermost (albeit with an extra game played, but let's ignore that for now, eh?)

In spectacular scenes at Chalabalabova this weekend, Melchester Rovers finally put their nightmare run of home defeats behind them when it mattered to climb to the top of Division 2.

Rovers started brightly, creating plenty of chances to take the lead, notably from professional Norwegian Veggard Nordheim, who rattled both crossbar and post, and James Pagliaro, who didn't. In the end it was down to Matt Smith to shoot hard and low from outside the box and make it 1-0.

Just moments later, Smith sealed his reputation as set-piece specialist when, having seen the opposition keeper way off his line, he slotted home number two - from the corner spot, if you please.

At that point in the game, Rovers were comfortably the superior side, and a drubbing appeared to be on the cards for Beers United. However, once United managed to claw a goal back just before half time, Melchester never fully regained their rhythm.

A tense second half followed, with the reds desperate not to lose after their early supremacy, yearning to end their appalling home run, and aching to earn the three points that would take them top. The sieges of Troy, Mafeking and Leningrad, combined, were nothing compared to the waves upon waves of attacking play United launched, yet staunch defending, sterling goalkeeping (including a run from Petr The Cat that saw him end up in midfield and potentially through on goal) and a dash of good fortune saw to it that the second half, seemingly the longest in the history of Association Football, remained goalless.

A dramatic match saw shots ricocheting off the woodwork, The Cat running the ball to the halfway line, yellow cards and goal-line clearances. So here's a picture of a throw in. From a different match.

And there it was. The final whistle finally came, and in scenes reminiscent of the Rumble in the Jungle, the reds had hung in and soaked up the pressure for long enough to claim an epic victory. And el vino did flow, with a delighted Roy Race declaring "Kebabs all round!"

The ladies of Moravistan model Melchester's new burka design

Next up, on Saturday morning, Melchester take on 2nd from bottom team Fischer Cafe, who have already conceded 80 (eighty) goals. Form an orderly queue, lads.

MATCH REPORT - Rovers Outplay Fair Play

"Wee" Colin Kimbrell takes on a giant

A midweek victory for Rovers has put them within grasp, albeit temporarily, of top spot. The reds lined up against FairPlay FC knowing a win was essential in order to avoid losing touch with the top half of the table, and a depleted line-up obliged.

Rovers started brightly, and despite conceding an early goal, never looked to be under too much pressure. With free-scoring Norwegian Veggard Nordheim equalising, then putting Melchester ahead with his trademark clinical finishing, and Nathan Golban setting up top scorer Colin Kimbrell when Fair Play's 'keeper went walkabout, at half time there was already a feeling of "job done".

Early in the 2nd half Kimbrell made it 4-1, the perfect debut for his specially imported blue-suede boots, turning on a sixpence to volley home from the edge of the box - a move that even had the opposition forward showing his admiration.

From then on the hoops played a holding game, stand-in keeper Martin Mestanek producing some fine saves, even using his nose to keep FairPlay at bay, whilst defender Paul Holland also made full use of his body, using foot then belly to clear successive shots off the line.

Honest, it was a big bruise, its just the camera couldn't quite pick it up

For their part, Fair Play demonstrated a fine grasp of irony, refusing to return Melchester's loose balls during warm-up, and forgoing the customary (if slightly crap) pre-match handshakes. With needle before the game even started, this was a real blood-and-guts affair; Rovers' kind of game.

Roy Race revealed mixed emotions ahead of the next game, against Beers Utd. "Unfortunately, despite our excellent away record, our next game takes place at home, where we are yet to pick up a point. However, after a storming start to their campaign, Beers Utd have faded in recent games, so this is the best chance we'll get to break the jinx."

With only one other game taking place on Saturday, Melchester could actually go top (with one more game played) with a win over Beers Utd. Ha'way the lads!!!

MATCH REPORT - ROVERS FLY THE FLAG FOR VICTORY

Season ticket holders Petra and Galia, Rovers' "extra man" when the going gets tough

Melchester lined up for the weekend's fixture missing their two top scoring strikers, yet far from feeling any anxiety there was an atmosphere of excitement as the remaining Rovers realised that each of them would be given a chance to swan around up front and snatch a bit of glory, while someone else could stay back and take care of all the donkey work.

Rovers started brightly, stringing together long sequences of passes around their opponents, and it soon became clear which team had the upper hand. Try as they might though, nothing seemed to go right in the one place it mattered - the RomStar goal.

After 20 minutes of running rings around their opponents, the reds were in shock as, yet again from a throw, RomStar found the net. However, it was a confident, if slightly bemused Melchester who went into the break a goal down.

Sure enough, in the 2nd half the lucky "9" shirt came good, as R.Smith floated a delightful cross to the back post, leaving Ralph Davies to slot home an equaliser. Davies then displayed exceptional athleticism by sprinting to the touchline to celebrate his first goal for the team. It was a happy day all round for Davies, as RomStar were fielding possibly the smallest player outside of table soccer, allowing the diminutive Welshman a rarebit of an opportunity to bully the poor wee fella off the park.

Moments later R.Smith was involved again with a long shot that the keeper could only parry. Holland, running in for the rebound, saw his attempt pushed away and, already suffering a nosebleed from being so high upfield, collided with the keeper, getting nothing more than a fist in the eye for his troubles. Miraculously, M.Smith kept the ball in and supplied a perfect cross along the goal line, and had Holland not still been seeing a double helping of stars he might have got a foot to the real ball and put the hoops in front.

Even more bizarrely, moments later a Holland clearance smacked into the eye of the man lining up to replace him, Pagliaro, leaving the reds with two one-eyed players seeing double.

Comedy moments aside however, tension was beginning to mount on pitch as chance after chance went begging. And comedy looked to turn to disaster movie as RomStar punished a rare defensive error to re-take the lead. Could even a point be salvaged?

Luckily, free-kick specialist* M.Smith was on hand to put things level once more with a well placed low drive from the edge of the box which somehow blasted a hole in the wall and left the keeper floundering. Still, going into the last 10 minutes, things were tense as what had seemed an easy three points in the beginning was becoming a tough battle for just one.

When it counted though, the most experienced player on the park saved the day. With 5 minutes on the clock, the ball fell once again to Davies in the magic number 9 who coolly shot home to put the reds ahead for the first time in the match. And there they would stay, an exhausted RomStar having nothing left to give, except a fair amount of abuse to each other.



Back in the top half, but next week sees a real challenge as Melchester face 2nd place Fail Play Team.

Roy Race spent the entire match making sure no-one stole the wheels off his badly-drawn 1970s Lotus.




*As requested by Matt (Smith).

MATCH REPORT - TROLLEYED ROVERS HIT THE SKIDS

'It's a major missed opportunity and, in our job, you don't have the luxury to miss opportunities. You need to get points when you deserve to get them and, sometimes, when you don't deserve them. We didn't get them here when we deserved them."
Roy Race simply cuts and pastes Arsene Wenger's response to yesterday's WhamArse London derby to describe Rovers' 2-1 defeat to Relax C.F.


After dominating on track, could Ralphie impress on the football field?

Rovers paid the price for living life in the fast lane on Sunday, as a hangover-hit squad failed to get into gear. Roy Race will be particularly rueing the decision to sign international superstar DJ pairing GHC, whose prematch preparation involved a 24 hour party period including a 6 hour DJ set and a late night brandy "tasting" session, rendering one player "unavailable", and the other good for only 10 minutes of the first half. However, Holland was not the only player lugging huge great monkey on his back after an evening that saw Roy Race living up to his name on the go-kart track, followed by a birthday party of almost epic proportions. This was always going to be a battle, even before the opposition kicked a ball.

In the very opening moments of the game, Rovers had a golden opportunity to seize an early lead as they went 3 on 1 against the keeper, and although the final execution failed to find the net, the omens were good. Relax had other ideas though, and soon exploited what is fast becoming the red's achilles heel, the headed goal from a throw-in. And as the first half went on Relax began to take control of the game, eventually pushing forward and, finding their opponents lacking in numbers at the back, grabbing a second.

Nevertheless at half time there was still a feeling that anything could happen, and after a slow start to the second period Melchester began assert themselves. But as chance after chance went begging heads started to go down on the pitch, and despite rallying cries from the touchline it became clear that only a goal would lift the spirits.

After huffing and puffing, it finally came, courtesy of a run from Kimbrell whose shot was deflected into the path of Nordheim, who doesn't miss a chance like that. Very often.

The goal! Warning - camerawoman Petra screams pretty loudly...do not listen with headphones

It had been coming a while, too long in fact, as with only 3 minutes left the reds would need to work quickly to get a second that would earn a point. But Relax lived up to their name, refusing to hurry over goal kicks and throw ins, and in the end time disappeared like a fat bloke's cake, with Melchester left wondering what could have been.

Defeat sends Racey's men back into the wrong half of the table, but with things still tight at this stage, a win next Saturday could take them nearer to where we all want them to be.

Next game against RomStar, who we've seen play, and who were crap. Or were they just hungover?

MATCH REPORT - MELCHESTER IN THE PINK AFTER SICILIAN JOB

None of this happened

Melchester's jinx continued at the weekend, as they turned up to their unloved home pitch to find that, unbeknownst to them, the location of the match had been changed to Bohunice. Naturally, no-one thought to tell the players, so it was a quick dash in convoy, 2minute warm-up, then in at the deep end.



Given Palermo's record (played 4, lost 4), Rovers were hopeful of a result but were perhaps a little complacent in the opening period, with some comedy backpasses that seemed to invite the opposition to snatch the lead. Fortunately Palermo failed to capitalise, and after creating a few chances of their own, our erstwhile heroes were soon ahead courtesy of Robin Smith, who latched onto Vegard Nordheim's cross to become a goalscoring debutant.


A goalscoring debut - Who could ask for more?


Despite creating chance after chance for the rest of the half, Rovers seemed to be suffering from a touch of the Arsenals, failing to make their superiority count. At half time, there was a real fear among the crowd that the reds might end up rueing their profligacy in front of goal.


And immediately after the restart, those fears looked to be proved correct, as a disorganised defence allowed the pinks into the box to head home from point-blank range. Could Rovers be the first team this season to give Palermo points?



Panic then ensued as Melchester worked hard, too hard, to make amends immediately. In the end, as is often becoming the case, it was down to leading scorer Colin Kimbrell to settle the nerves with a well taken effort from the edge of the box.


A tense crowd were later indulging in some Mexican waves after Melchester's 4th


From that point on, there was no way Palermo were going to enjoy any more gifts, and Nordheim popped up again, running through the defence and shooting whilst sitting down near the penalty spot. Rovers made good use of their substitutes, and by this point the pinks were red faced and out of breath, lacking the depth on the bench of their opponents. So it was hardly surprising when the killer blows came, with another goal apiece for Nordheim and Kimbrell, the latter having kept Rovers in it for much of the game with defensive work way beyond the call of duty for any striker.



A happy Melchester strolled off the field with a 5-1 win, but now with the "easy" games behind them they'll surely need to step up a level for their next fixture with Relax FC, who have actually managed to score some points already. However, on the day only the result mattered, although the shine was taken off the celebrations by the absence of Roy Race, who didn't receive the message about the pitch change either, and ended up watching the wrong game and wondering why he didn't recognise anyone.



Let's not get carried away - this throw in shows how good the opposition were

MATCH REPORT - MERDEUX ON THE MELCHESTER EXPRESS

Merdeux 0 - Melchester Rovers 5


"The Cat's" eye view of the Rovers in action

Melchester Rovers extended their run of away victories last night as Petr "the Cat" Krupicek kept a clean sheet while the front line ran wild.

Rovers set out their stall early, when directly from the kick off top scorer Colin Kimbrell shot just wide from the centre spot. Having gone two games without scoring, New Orleans' most talented soccerguy was keen to find the net, and after a jittery start soon put the reds ahead with a mazy run leading to a shot in his favourite top 90. However, for much of the remainder of the first half the score remained at 1-0, as the trauma of the last two games seemed to discourage the Rovers from playing their usual free-flowing game.


No wonder the opposition were scared

Eventually scorer turned provider, as Kimbrell went on another run before laying on Veggard for an easy tap in. It was the 2nd half, however, which provided Melchester with a new goal hero as James Pagliaro, in only his 2nd game in the famous red and gold stripes, pounced on a poor clearance by Merdeux to sidefoot home the 3rd goal of the evening. Now brimming with confidence, "The Pagster" linked up with Christian Zschzachzch from a throw to head home his 2nd.



Midfield General Matt Smith negotiates a wet patch, not for the first time in his illustrious career

At the other end, a watertight defence, superb goalkeeping and a couple of horrendous misses by les bleus d'merde ensured complete shut out, and it was hard not to feel some pity for the plucky losers when Veggard completed his brace with a fierce low shot in the closing overs to take Rovers to mid table, but put Merdeux bottom.

After tearing up what appeared to be a job application for McDonald's, a delighted Roy Race enthused, "This is just the result Rovers needed. The narrow pitch, and the walls around the ground, meant we didn't have to run very far to get the ball, which perfectly suited our style of play. Oh, and the fact that Merdeux were rubbish."

Bizarrely, Roy Race opted to watch the game muzzled and hidden in a barbed wire cage

Rovers face another rubbish team (Palermo, played 4, lost 4) at the weekend, well aware that these are the kind of games they must win in order to avoid being the best team at being rubbish in Div 2.

'Mon the hoops!