MATCH REPORT - Melchester VS Fischer Cafe

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(Thanks to Galia and Yuliya for providing the photos!)





















MATCH REPORT - WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE, SAY WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE!


Toppermost of the poppermost (albeit with an extra game played, but let's ignore that for now, eh?)

In spectacular scenes at Chalabalabova this weekend, Melchester Rovers finally put their nightmare run of home defeats behind them when it mattered to climb to the top of Division 2.

Rovers started brightly, creating plenty of chances to take the lead, notably from professional Norwegian Veggard Nordheim, who rattled both crossbar and post, and James Pagliaro, who didn't. In the end it was down to Matt Smith to shoot hard and low from outside the box and make it 1-0.

Just moments later, Smith sealed his reputation as set-piece specialist when, having seen the opposition keeper way off his line, he slotted home number two - from the corner spot, if you please.

At that point in the game, Rovers were comfortably the superior side, and a drubbing appeared to be on the cards for Beers United. However, once United managed to claw a goal back just before half time, Melchester never fully regained their rhythm.

A tense second half followed, with the reds desperate not to lose after their early supremacy, yearning to end their appalling home run, and aching to earn the three points that would take them top. The sieges of Troy, Mafeking and Leningrad, combined, were nothing compared to the waves upon waves of attacking play United launched, yet staunch defending, sterling goalkeeping (including a run from Petr The Cat that saw him end up in midfield and potentially through on goal) and a dash of good fortune saw to it that the second half, seemingly the longest in the history of Association Football, remained goalless.


A dramatic match saw shots ricocheting off the woodwork, The Cat running the ball to the halfway line, yellow cards and goal-line clearances. So here's a picture of a throw in. From a different match.

And there it was. The final whistle finally came, and in scenes reminiscent of the Rumble in the Jungle, the reds had hung in and soaked up the pressure for long enough to claim an epic victory. And el vino did flow, with a delighted Roy Race declaring "Kebabs all round!"


The ladies of Moravistan model Melchester's new burka design

Next up, on Saturday morning, Melchester take on 2nd from bottom team Fischer Cafe, who have already conceded 80 (eighty) goals. Form an orderly queue, lads.

MATCH REPORT - Rovers Outplay Fair Play


"Wee" Colin Kimbrell takes on a giant

A midweek victory for Rovers has put them within grasp, albeit temporarily, of top spot.
The reds lined up against FairPlay FC knowing a win was essential in order to avoid losing touch with the top half of the table, and a depleted line-up obliged.

Rovers started brightly, and despite conceding an early goal, never looked to be under too much pressure. With free-scoring Norwegian Veggard Nordheim equalising, then putting Melchester ahead with his trademark clinical finishing, and Nathan Golban setting up top scorer Colin Kimbrell when Fair Play's 'keeper went walkabout, at half time there was already a feeling of "job done".

Early in the 2nd half Kimbrell made it 4-1, the perfect debut for his specially imported blue-suede boots, turning on a sixpence to volley home from the edge of the box - a move that even had the opposition forward showing his admiration.

From then on the hoops played a holding game, stand-in keeper Martin Mestanek producing some fine saves, even using his nose to keep FairPlay at bay, whilst defender Paul Holland also made full use of his body, using foot then belly to clear successive shots off the line.

Honest, it was a big bruise, its just the camera couldn't quite pick it up


For their part, Fair Play demonstrated a fine grasp of irony, refusing to return Melchester's loose balls during warm-up, and forgoing the customary (if slightly crap) pre-match handshakes. With needle before the game even started, this was a real blood-and-guts affair; Rovers' kind of game.

Roy Race revealed mixed emotions ahead of the next game, against Beers Utd. "Unfortunately, despite our excellent away record, our next game takes place at home, where we are yet to pick up a point. However, after a storming start to their campaign, Beers Utd have faded in recent games, so this is the best chance we'll get to break the jinx."


With only one other game taking place on Saturday, Melchester could actually go top (with one more game played) with a win over Beers Utd. Ha'way the lads!!!

MATCH REPORT - ROVERS FLY THE FLAG FOR VICTORY


Season ticket holders Petra and Galia, Rovers' "extra man" when the going gets tough


Melchester lined up for the weekend's fixture missing their two top scoring strikers, yet far from feeling any anxiety there was an atmosphere of excitement as the remaining Rovers realised that each of them would be given a chance to swan around up front and snatch a bit of glory, while someone else could stay back and take care of all the donkey work.

Rovers started brightly, stringing together long sequences of passes around their opponents, and it soon became clear which team had the upper hand. Try as they might though, nothing seemed to go right in the one place it mattered - the RomStar goal.


After 20 minutes of running rings around their opponents, the reds were in shock as, yet again from a throw, RomStar found the net. However, it was a confident, if slightly bemused Melchester who went into the break a goal down.


Sure enough, in the 2nd half the lucky "9" shirt came good, as R.Smith floated a delightful cross to the back post, leaving Ralph Davies to slot home an equaliser. Davies then displayed exceptional athleticism by sprinting to the touchline to celebrate his first goal for the team. It was a happy day all round for Davies, as RomStar were fielding possibly the smallest player outside of table soccer, allowing the diminutive Welshman a rarebit of an opportunity to bully the poor wee fella off the park.


Moments later R.Smith was involved again with a long shot that the keeper could only parry. Holland, running in for the rebound, saw his attempt pushed away and, already suffering a nosebleed from being so high upfield, collided with the keeper, getting nothing more than a fist in the eye for his troubles. Miraculously, M.Smith kept the ball in and supplied a perfect cross along the goal line, and had Holland not still been seeing a double helping of stars he might have got a foot to the real ball and put the hoops in front.


Even more bizarrely, moments later a Holland clearance smacked into the eye of the man lining up to replace him, Pagliaro, leaving the reds with two one-eyed players seeing double.


Comedy moments aside however, tension was beginning to mount on pitch as chance after chance went begging. And comedy looked to turn to disaster movie as RomStar punished a rare defensive error to re-take the lead. Could even a point be salvaged?


Luckily, free-kick specialist* M.Smith was on hand to put things level once more with a well placed low drive from the edge of the box which somehow blasted a hole in the wall and left the keeper floundering. Still, going into the last 10 minutes, things were tense as what had seemed an easy three points in the beginning was becoming a tough battle for just one.


When it counted though, the most experienced player on the park saved the day. With 5 minutes on the clock, the ball fell once again to Davies in the magic number 9 who coolly shot home to put the reds ahead for the first time in the match. And there they would stay, an exhausted RomStar having nothing left to give, except a fair amount of abuse to each other.




Back in the top half, but next week sees a real challenge as Melchester face 2nd place Fail Play Team.


Roy Race spent the entire match making sure no-one stole the wheels off his badly-drawn 1970s Lotus.




*As requested by Matt (Smith).