Roight then moy loovlies...

Having drawn their last game against top-placed Fair Play,

The Rovers were rightly excited

As they took to the field, they were playing away

‘Gainst 7^th placed team, Beers United.

United were young and were quick and were skilled

Melchester had many hangovers

And after 10 minutes red’s fears were fulfilled

As the blues put their first past the Rovers.

The rest of the half was real end to end stuff

Both teams cancelled each other out

And although there were chances, and though they were fluffed,

At the break, reds were in with a shout.

But after the restart - tragedy struck!

As the Rovers conceded a second.

With no-one to cheer them and fresh out of luck

It looked as if disaster beckoned.

Yet Kimbrell’s response was to go forth and score,

And Rovers were back in the game

With their first shot on target, but still needed more,

More, more more more, more of the same.

They huffed and they puffed, but the goal would not come

Despite overhead shots from young Ali

And as the clocked ticked, the belief among some

Was the reds would not add to their tally.

Step forward the warrior, Vegard Nordheim,

Someone lobbed it toward him for no reason.

But with back to goal, just one touch, so sublime,

The asskoek scored goal of the season.

With a point in the bag if they held for the draw,

Incredibly Rovers just folded

And as they pushed forward conceded three more

And by manager Race they were scolded.

Another bad game sees the reds drop to eighth

And now is the moment to fight,

Yet all is not lost as on Sunday they face

Tripoli “B”, who are shite.

Beers United 5 -2 Melchester Rovers

Golban Nathan, Holland Paul, Kimbrell Colin(1), Měšťánek Martin, Vegard Nordheim(1), Pagliaro James, Smith Matt, Costea, Iulian, Kourkzi Ali

MATCH REPORT - WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE, SAY WE ARE TOP OF THE LEAGUE!

Toppermost of the poppermost (albeit with an extra game played, but let's ignore that for now, eh?)

In spectacular scenes at Chalabalabova this weekend, Melchester Rovers finally put their nightmare run of home defeats behind them when it mattered to climb to the top of Division 2.

Rovers started brightly, creating plenty of chances to take the lead, notably from professional Norwegian Veggard Nordheim, who rattled both crossbar and post, and James Pagliaro, who didn't. In the end it was down to Matt Smith to shoot hard and low from outside the box and make it 1-0.

Just moments later, Smith sealed his reputation as set-piece specialist when, having seen the opposition keeper way off his line, he slotted home number two - from the corner spot, if you please.

At that point in the game, Rovers were comfortably the superior side, and a drubbing appeared to be on the cards for Beers United. However, once United managed to claw a goal back just before half time, Melchester never fully regained their rhythm.

A tense second half followed, with the reds desperate not to lose after their early supremacy, yearning to end their appalling home run, and aching to earn the three points that would take them top. The sieges of Troy, Mafeking and Leningrad, combined, were nothing compared to the waves upon waves of attacking play United launched, yet staunch defending, sterling goalkeeping (including a run from Petr The Cat that saw him end up in midfield and potentially through on goal) and a dash of good fortune saw to it that the second half, seemingly the longest in the history of Association Football, remained goalless.

A dramatic match saw shots ricocheting off the woodwork, The Cat running the ball to the halfway line, yellow cards and goal-line clearances. So here's a picture of a throw in. From a different match.

And there it was. The final whistle finally came, and in scenes reminiscent of the Rumble in the Jungle, the reds had hung in and soaked up the pressure for long enough to claim an epic victory. And el vino did flow, with a delighted Roy Race declaring "Kebabs all round!"

The ladies of Moravistan model Melchester's new burka design

Next up, on Saturday morning, Melchester take on 2nd from bottom team Fischer Cafe, who have already conceded 80 (eighty) goals. Form an orderly queue, lads.