It Ain't Over 'Til The Fat Ref Whistles

With just one remaining fixture left to play, Melchester Rovers could be facing a comic-book end to their spectacular second season. Having made hard work of a 3-2 victory over Colgate FC, yesterday lunchtime's 11-1 routine drubbing of bottom placed FCWC became hugely significant later in the day, when second placed MOP Brno sensationally capitulated to Domino to lose for only the third time this season. So what does all this mean?

This Much We Know:

Part-time Celebrity Norwegian Vegard Nodheim can add a Golden Boot to his collection of swords, hammers and horny helmets

Going into yesterday's match on 39 goals but only able to play one more game before returning to the fjords, Melchester's all-time top scorer Vegard Nordheim had a clear target - 5 goals against the league's leakiest defence. And after opening with a spectacular bicycle kick (you know, the one he tries every game - it had to go in eventually, right?) it was clear that Rovers' number 10 was on a mission. Yet with 3 minutes to go, and only on a hat-trick, it looked as if all was lost for another season.

Cue a 57th minute screamer (I can't really remember if it was or not) to draw level on 44...but for the warrior this was not enough. And so it was that in the 60th minute Nordheim grabbed his 5th, and left the field to a standing ovation.

With three players in the top 8 scorers, Roy Race's influence and inspiration is clear for all to see. Which brings us to...

This Much We Probably Know:

As things stand, Melchester are the league's top scorers, with 136 goals scored and a game to play, against third from bottom Fenix, which should provide a bumper goalfest (more on that later). The only team who have any chance of catching Rovers are top-placed Karlsberg, who on 126 would need to score at least ten - plus however many Rovers put past Fenix - in their last game against Cordoba. Unlikely, but anything can happen in Brnenskeho Svazu Male Kopane Division Three Of Death, and usually does.

This Much Could Happen:

With all eyes on the frontmen, it's easy to ignore table's other important statistic: With 50 goals conceded, Rovers defence is the joint tightest in Div 3, alongside MOP Brno. But with MOP's campaign over, nothing less than a clean sheet will do for Rovers in their last game.

What Does It All Mean?

MOP's loss to Domino means that Melchester take on Fenix on Wednesday aiming for the following:

- A win by ten clear goals to finish Div 3 Runners Up on goal difference
- And if the above happens, Karlsberg to win by less than 20 for Melchester to finish highest scorers
- A clean sheet to finish joint best defence

There is, quite literally, everything to play for.

Final game, Wednesday night, 8pm. COME ON YOU REDS (WITH YELLOW HOOPS)!!!!!

Too good, but not quite good enough

Things are so easy, Rovers can sit back and let it all hang out

With victories coming so easily that they're not worth writing about, Melchester have had a leisurely stroll towards the end of the season - yet Racey's men have only earned the right to call themselves "Best of the Rest". A dominant Karlsberg CF have topped the table for the entire campaign, and with MOP Brno hanging on to their coat tails - the only other team to do the double over Rovers this season - Melchester find themselves in a safe third, just one tantalising position away from a chance of promotion.

The chicks love a bad boy - Nawlins soccerguy CK9 revels in his reputation as Melchester's most banned player

Three Is The Magic Number

Let's be completely realistic here - apart from the top two teams (and a resurgent Palermo) the standard is pretty dire down here in Div 3, and Rovers can fully expect to take three points from at least three of their last four games to finish in the top three. So, in a desperate attempt to make the end of season run in sound vaguely exciting, here are three things to look out for:


With 122 goals so far - and with Fenix and FCWC still waiting in the wings, Rovers must surely be favourites to end the season as the division's highest scoring team.


Melchester have the third strongest back line in Div 3, but with MOP having conceded 7 fewer goals, some clean sheets and good results elsewhere will be needed if the old boys at the back are to finish on top.

The Norwegian:

As the table shows, part-time celebrity Norwegian Vergard Nordheim has been banging them in all season, on the pitch at least. And with potential goalfests in the next few games, there's a very strong chance of Nordheim being toppermost of the poppermost for Melchester.

Next up - Melchester slaughter Fenix at Srbska, Friday night. Come on, etc

There May Be Trouble Ahead...

Rovers faced up to league leader Karlsberg FC more in hope than expectation of 3 valuable points, and alas it was not to be. After three glaring misses in the opening overs, Rovers conceded first, yet managed to peg their opponents back throughout the first half, going in 2-2 at half time.

However, in the 2nd period Karlsberg showed just why they are Division 3's runaway leaders, breaking down the Melchester defence twice more to canter to a 4-2 victory.

Next up was Rovers rescheduled game against Palermo, which will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. The game should have been played at the start of the season, but was postponed, which meant that any players who were suspended or hadn't yet signed were ineligible to play.

Unfortunately, nobody told Melchester about this rule - which meant Rovers mistakenly fielded an illegal player, which in turn brought the full wrath of the BSMK disciplinary committee - despite the match was being refereed by the league's own president, who was blissfully unaware of the situation. Resultant bans and fines are, as you read this, threatening to derail the remainder of Rover's season, as it looks likely that Roy Race won't even have a full team of players for tomorrow evening's tie against 3rd placed The Reds.

Thanks to the unique way the league is "run", Racey's men don't even care where they end up any more...

Easter Teaser

For the third time in a row, Melchester hit their opponents for six - but for the first time this year also managed not to concede, thanks to Martin Mestanek, the "Baby Poo" - he sticks to a clean sheet.

However, with the easier jobs done, this weekend throws up a fearsome challenge. Saturday sees Melchester take on top team Karlsberg "B", whose impressive record this season can be explained by their tactic of using players from Karlsberg "A" when the going gets tough. Which Karlsberg will turn up, nobody knows, but a strong defensive display will be needed if Rovers are to get anything from the tie.

On to Sunday, when Rovers take on formerly-rubbish-but-now-with-new-good-players-so-we-can't-be-too-blase Palermo, who in the past have clocked up two losses and (most recently) a draw in previous games against Melchester. On recent form, both teams should win.

So will the Easter Bunny bring a basket of points for Melchester, or will they be left with nothing but sticky brown fingers and a queasy tum? Stay tuned to find out.

A picture speaks a thousand words. Which is handy actually...

Last weekend saw Rovers line up against Tottenham Hotspur lookylikes and erstwhile losers-to-Melchester, Last Minute FC. To fully relieve yet another 6-1 victory, take an hour or so to imagine the highs and lows, thrills and spills, and ins and outs which undoubtably took place, whilst using the above image as a guide to the goals and their scorers. Just like being there, isn't it? Who needs Sky+?

Same old same old

Despite another victory, Rovers remain 4th blah blah blah yaddah yaddah yaddah - basically, the reds need to just keep on winning. Tomorrow's game against Corintho Blues holds the promise of another three points, etc.

Gratuitous dodgy pic including typically unsavoury behaviour from Golban. But just whose knee is that?

Job done?

Movin' On Up...

Our heroes lining up for kick off - a sight guaranteed to strike fear into any opposition

Rovers' meeting with Domino turned out to be a walk in the park for the men in red and yeller, leaving this correspondent with little to report. With Ali setting the ball rolling with a run from his own half to score Melchester's first after 7 minutes, Golban grabbing a second a quarter of an hour later and Cyrillo making it three just before half time, this was always going to be a comfortable game for Racey's men, provided they could jump clear of some heavy duty tackles from the opposition.

Golban bonds with new signing Grødem

With another goal just after the break from Cyrillo, and a brace from winter signing Sindre Grødem - Brno's 2nd most famous Norwegian - Rovers cantered to a 6-1 victory with ease.

Through on goal with only the keeper to beat, surely Holland can't miss?
Holland's miss

An upbeat Roy Race was delighted to see his boys finally making up the positions, leapfrogging Domino and The Reds to claim 4th spot. Next up, a meeting with mid-table Last Minute - and hopefully another 3 points.

Happy Days - Here Again!

Aaaaaaaa-gaaaaaaaaaa-doo-doo-doo, push pineappple shake the tree...

Last weekend's double header provided a deluge of goals for Melchester, as almost every one of Racey's men made their mark on the scoresheet.

Friday saw Rovers take on bottom placed FCWC, and with victory almost a certainty, attention turned to Melchester's only remaining non-scorers, Messrs Holland and Mestanek. A long-standing bet between the pair meant that whoever scored first (and therefore, not last), would win ten beers from the other, and so both players were chomping at the bit to hit the (for them) uncharted territory of an opposition penalty box.

Cyrillo started the scoring after just two minutes and a steady stream of goals followed, but apart from Holland being teabagged by a 15 year old and then having a goal disallowed for bullying, at half time neither defender seemed likely to end up in the drink. But just two minutes into the second half, Holland ran onto a throw-in which he blasted home with aplomb to an ecstatic reception from a boisterous Srbska crowd.

Holland's goal and celebration owed a lot to another Paul

Determined not to be upstaged, Mestanek followed with two identical rockets into WC's bottom 90 to ensure that by the end of a record 14-1 victory every Melchester player was now a bona fide goalscorerer.

'Ave eet.

Rovers barely had time to celebrate, sleep, shower and shoeshine before they were back on the pitch against second-bottom Tripoli. And from the start it seemed Melchester were still in party mood as they conceded straight from kick off. But after rolling up of sleeves and throwing off of hairbands, Melchester set about devouring their opponents like a big lass with a pastie, losing count of the score until it was eventually announced on the BSMK website - 10-2.

Despite having played an extra game at the weekend, inexplicably Rovers find themselves still in 6th, and still with two games in hand. Logisticians, theoreticians and mathematicians are still trying to work out how that can be, but in the meantime, the easy games are over, as tomorrow Melchester face fifth placed Domino in a straight fight for position. COME ON YOU RED(and yellow)S!!!