Not what it looks like - this is actually essential equipment for the sport of "beer-pong"
In preparation for the weekend's fixture, Rovers embarked on a team-building trip to The Nature(TM), where they underwent a grueling regime of meat eating, beer-drinking and pint-pot-ping-pong*. And so it was that on Sunday they took to the pitch feeling less than confident in their athletic abilities.
Such fears were soon allayed when midfield powerhouse Matt Smith broke forward on the right in the opening minutes and blasted a half-volley across the goal and inside the helpless keeper's left post. No sooner had the crowd resumed their seats when Smith struck again to take him temporarily to the top of Melchester's scoring table.
Colin Kimbrell clearly took note, bagging two for himself before half-time to reclaim top spot, and although Last Minute managed two goals of their own to make the interval score 4-2, it was an upbeat Roy Race who sent his half-time message from an adjacent Toi-Toi portaloo, written on a single sheet of toilet paper with just two words: "Very nice."
Several Rovers players were incensed before the game that their opponents had opted to play in a kit very similar to that of Tottenham Hotspur, and the similarity continued on the pitch in the 2nd half, as Last Minute spent as much time appealing and complaining to the referee as they did actually playing. Rovers simply carried on regardless, helping Kimbrell to his hat-trick early on in the half. With less than 10 minutes on the clock Last Minute made the score 5-3 to create a flicker of hope, but Martin Mestanek and a relentless Kimbrell soon combined, the latter heading home the former's inch perfect pass to give Kimbrell his 4th, and Mestanek his 3rd assist of the game. For Kimbrell the goals were indeed sweet as they earned him the week's scoring bonus of two freshly-killed ducks, possibly making him the league's highest-paid player.
Other honorable mentions should surely go to Iulien Costea - the 2nd Romanian goalkeeper to suffer injury for Rovers in as many games - a post match examination has revealed Costea fractured a finger early on in the game, which makes it all the more unbelievable that Rovers only conceded three. Iulien will be out of goal for 4 weeks, but the good news is that he will hopefully be fit to resume his defensive role much sooner. Also Ralph Davies, for introducing the phrase "eeyahyahyahyahyahyahyah", meaning "I say old chap, I'm free over here, be a sport and lob the old ball over, eh?"
No game next weekend, as the following week Rovers face a fixture nightmare that sees them play two games in consecutive evenings: 8th and 9th October.
*Footage of Rovers' amazing new creation, BeerPong, soon to appear on RoversTV.
MATCH REPORT - ROVERS HIT LAST MINUTE FOR SIX
MATCH REPORT - First Blood to Rovers
Sunday's tie was not for the squeamish
For the first away game of the season, Rovers travelled to Bohunice to face Karlsberg B for an early kick off in glorious sunshine. And from the first whistle it was immediately clear that this game would be a test of Rover's energy levels in the withering heat.
Rovers defended stoutly throughout the first half, with very few chances to test the opposition's defence. Throwing all they had into keeping Karlsberg at bay, midfield general Matt Smith became the first casualty, victim of a challenge from behind that drew a yellow for the opposition, but blood red for Smith's knees. Moments later a similar challenge on Colin Kimbrell gave Rovers another free kick, albeit one which led to nothing. However, the clearly incensed Kimbrell was quick to exact revenge in the best possible way. To the left of the penalty spot, the ball was threaded through to his feet and the New Orleans maestro buried it in the top right corner to become Melchester Rovers' first ever scorer. A truly historic moment.
Little kid demonstrates it is possible to graze your knees and not make a big girly fuss about it
Karlsberg possibly felt they deserved something from the first half, and began the second with even more determination. Again, Rovers defended deep and were extremely lucky when Karlsberg's best shot of the game hit defender Paul Holland's wrist on the goal-line early in the half. Although accidental (as anyone who's seen him trying to play in goal will confirm, there's no way he could have got his hand to it if he'd actually tried), he'd clearly prevented a certain goal, and Holland feared the worst from the referee. Confusion and controversy followed then, as the referee correctly adjudged it to have been ball to hand and waved away Karlsberg's appeals.
One lucky escape, but disasters were to follow as goalkeeping hero Ionas landed badly whilst collecting a high ball, destroying his ankle in the process. Defensive rock and fellow Romanian Iulien took his place between the sticks, and Rovers appeared to be on the ropes. Another (this time legal) goal-line clearance was an ominous sign, and sure enough, minutes later Karlsberg were level.
Rovers dug deep, however, and began creating some chances at the other end. Finally, with 8 minutes on the clock, Smith also got some payback by rolling the ball past the keeper and into an empty net. With the clock ticking down, the pressure was on the reds to shut up shop for the last barrage from Karlsberg, but with just a couple of minutes left, Kimbrell popped up again to shoot home his second, and secure Melchester's first points.
After the game a mysteriously absent Roy Race sent his congratulations to the Rovers, and particularly 2 goal hero Kimbrell. "Colin's first reminded me of a goal I scored in one of the 517 derbies I played for Rovers against local rivals Melboro" he enthused. "You don't forget those in a hurry."
Colin's goal sort of looked a bit like this
MATCH REPORT - ROVERS SNATCH 1-0 DEFEAT FROM JAWS OF THRASHING
It was always going to be a tough test. The newly formed, inexperienced rookies against last years runners up, KMK Dynamo Brno. In the build up to the game, the smart money was on Dynamo to give the Rovers a humiliating lesson in what Superliga is all about.
It was a promising sign then, that Melchester started the game brightly and created the lion's share of chances in the first half. Indeed, had it not been for first-match jitters, a more confident Rovers might have pushed a little further forward and made their mark on the scoresheet.
Yeah, but who's got the best kit, eh?
In the second half however, disaster struck as Dynamo's striker finally managed to slip his marker and slot home a beautifully taken goal. With the light fading, and floodlights that didn't work (hey, at least there were no lorries on the pitch), Rovers huffed and puffed in searched of an equaliser and the game turned into something of a battle, with some "full-blooded" challenges coming from both sides and an introduction to some of the timewasting tactics that no doubt helped Dynamo to the top two last season.
The team line up in front of the executive boxes
In the end, although coming close and even hitting the woodwork, the equaliser proved elusive, yet despite being downbeat about finishing round one with no points on the board, Rovers can take heart from a strong performance. Notoriously shy Director of Football Roy Race, who watched the game from the balcony of a nearby panelak, commented: "Our first game was a case of 'toe in the water' - and there were no piranhas. As we get stronger by the game, we are confident we can become the big fish in this particular pond."
MATCH REPORT - Rovers' first ever game in Superliga...
....didn't actually take place, because of this:
Yep, that's right, someone carelessly left a lorry trailer in the middle of the pitch. In the rich history of Melchester Rovers, successive teams have seen bomb attacks, murder plots, stadium subsidence and two blokes out of Spandau Ballet, but never before has a match been postponed because of a lorry on the pitch. Of course, up until now Rovers' adventures have been confined to the world of comic books, whereas in the real world of Moravistan, anything can happen.
Not much to add really. Turned up to play, lorry on pitch. So it goes.
Melchester Recall Glory Days With "New" Shirt
After much speculation, Rovers have finally showed their colours for the 2009/10 campaign. Director of Football Roy Race effused, "We are delighted to recall the heady days of the 80's, whilst also embracing modern manufacturing techniques to produce a shirt that synergises fictional past glories with our very real targets for future success."
Whilst emulating the 80's - when Rovers fielded such star names as Emlyn Hughes and Bob Wilson, not to mention two blokes from pop idols Spandau Ballet - will be a mammoth undertaking, the 2009 squad already brings echoes of the past, lining up with an ex-Nuneatonboroughshire legend in midfield, and two of Czech Republic's top DJs bolstering an already impressive list of international stars.
In other key news, Rovers are delighted, invigorated and relieved to welcome their new keeper, Petr "The Cat" Kropacek, as well as last minute transfer from IBM, Julian, the first ever Romanian Rover. And it's eyes to the skies as we wait with baited breath for 10 pairs of socks to be air lifted to Moravia.
First match next Wednesday, Srbska, k.o. 1630 (that's 4.30pm, American soccerball lovers).
