MATCH REPORT - TROLLEYED ROVERS HIT THE SKIDS

'It's a major missed opportunity and, in our job, you don't have the luxury to miss opportunities. You need to get points when you deserve to get them and, sometimes, when you don't deserve them. We didn't get them here when we deserved them."
Roy Race simply cuts and pastes Arsene Wenger's response to yesterday's WhamArse London derby to describe Rovers' 2-1 defeat to Relax C.F.


After dominating on track, could Ralphie impress on the football field?

Rovers paid the price for living life in the fast lane on Sunday, as a hangover-hit squad failed to get into gear. Roy Race will be particularly rueing the decision to sign international superstar DJ pairing GHC, whose prematch preparation involved a 24 hour party period including a 6 hour DJ set and a late night brandy "tasting" session, rendering one player "unavailable", and the other good for only 10 minutes of the first half. However, Holland was not the only player lugging huge great monkey on his back after an evening that saw Roy Race living up to his name on the go-kart track, followed by a birthday party of almost epic proportions. This was always going to be a battle, even before the opposition kicked a ball.

In the very opening moments of the game, Rovers had a golden opportunity to seize an early lead as they went 3 on 1 against the keeper, and although the final execution failed to find the net, the omens were good. Relax had other ideas though, and soon exploited what is fast becoming the red's achilles heel, the headed goal from a throw-in. And as the first half went on Relax began to take control of the game, eventually pushing forward and, finding their opponents lacking in numbers at the back, grabbing a second.

Nevertheless at half time there was still a feeling that anything could happen, and after a slow start to the second period Melchester began assert themselves. But as chance after chance went begging heads started to go down on the pitch, and despite rallying cries from the touchline it became clear that only a goal would lift the spirits.

After huffing and puffing, it finally came, courtesy of a run from Kimbrell whose shot was deflected into the path of Nordheim, who doesn't miss a chance like that. Very often.

The goal! Warning - camerawoman Petra screams pretty loudly...do not listen with headphones

It had been coming a while, too long in fact, as with only 3 minutes left the reds would need to work quickly to get a second that would earn a point. But Relax lived up to their name, refusing to hurry over goal kicks and throw ins, and in the end time disappeared like a fat bloke's cake, with Melchester left wondering what could have been.

Defeat sends Racey's men back into the wrong half of the table, but with things still tight at this stage, a win next Saturday could take them nearer to where we all want them to be.

Next game against RomStar, who we've seen play, and who were crap. Or were they just hungover?

MATCH REPORT - MELCHESTER IN THE PINK AFTER SICILIAN JOB

None of this happened

Melchester's jinx continued at the weekend, as they turned up to their unloved home pitch to find that, unbeknownst to them, the location of the match had been changed to Bohunice. Naturally, no-one thought to tell the players, so it was a quick dash in convoy, 2minute warm-up, then in at the deep end.



Given Palermo's record (played 4, lost 4), Rovers were hopeful of a result but were perhaps a little complacent in the opening period, with some comedy backpasses that seemed to invite the opposition to snatch the lead. Fortunately Palermo failed to capitalise, and after creating a few chances of their own, our erstwhile heroes were soon ahead courtesy of Robin Smith, who latched onto Vegard Nordheim's cross to become a goalscoring debutant.


A goalscoring debut - Who could ask for more?


Despite creating chance after chance for the rest of the half, Rovers seemed to be suffering from a touch of the Arsenals, failing to make their superiority count. At half time, there was a real fear among the crowd that the reds might end up rueing their profligacy in front of goal.


And immediately after the restart, those fears looked to be proved correct, as a disorganised defence allowed the pinks into the box to head home from point-blank range. Could Rovers be the first team this season to give Palermo points?



Panic then ensued as Melchester worked hard, too hard, to make amends immediately. In the end, as is often becoming the case, it was down to leading scorer Colin Kimbrell to settle the nerves with a well taken effort from the edge of the box.


A tense crowd were later indulging in some Mexican waves after Melchester's 4th


From that point on, there was no way Palermo were going to enjoy any more gifts, and Nordheim popped up again, running through the defence and shooting whilst sitting down near the penalty spot. Rovers made good use of their substitutes, and by this point the pinks were red faced and out of breath, lacking the depth on the bench of their opponents. So it was hardly surprising when the killer blows came, with another goal apiece for Nordheim and Kimbrell, the latter having kept Rovers in it for much of the game with defensive work way beyond the call of duty for any striker.



A happy Melchester strolled off the field with a 5-1 win, but now with the "easy" games behind them they'll surely need to step up a level for their next fixture with Relax FC, who have actually managed to score some points already. However, on the day only the result mattered, although the shine was taken off the celebrations by the absence of Roy Race, who didn't receive the message about the pitch change either, and ended up watching the wrong game and wondering why he didn't recognise anyone.



Let's not get carried away - this throw in shows how good the opposition were

MATCH REPORT - MERDEUX ON THE MELCHESTER EXPRESS

Merdeux 0 - Melchester Rovers 5


"The Cat's" eye view of the Rovers in action

Melchester Rovers extended their run of away victories last night as Petr "the Cat" Krupicek kept a clean sheet while the front line ran wild.

Rovers set out their stall early, when directly from the kick off top scorer Colin Kimbrell shot just wide from the centre spot. Having gone two games without scoring, New Orleans' most talented soccerguy was keen to find the net, and after a jittery start soon put the reds ahead with a mazy run leading to a shot in his favourite top 90. However, for much of the remainder of the first half the score remained at 1-0, as the trauma of the last two games seemed to discourage the Rovers from playing their usual free-flowing game.


No wonder the opposition were scared

Eventually scorer turned provider, as Kimbrell went on another run before laying on Veggard for an easy tap in. It was the 2nd half, however, which provided Melchester with a new goal hero as James Pagliaro, in only his 2nd game in the famous red and gold stripes, pounced on a poor clearance by Merdeux to sidefoot home the 3rd goal of the evening. Now brimming with confidence, "The Pagster" linked up with Christian Zschzachzch from a throw to head home his 2nd.



Midfield General Matt Smith negotiates a wet patch, not for the first time in his illustrious career

At the other end, a watertight defence, superb goalkeeping and a couple of horrendous misses by les bleus d'merde ensured complete shut out, and it was hard not to feel some pity for the plucky losers when Veggard completed his brace with a fierce low shot in the closing overs to take Rovers to mid table, but put Merdeux bottom.

After tearing up what appeared to be a job application for McDonald's, a delighted Roy Race enthused, "This is just the result Rovers needed. The narrow pitch, and the walls around the ground, meant we didn't have to run very far to get the ball, which perfectly suited our style of play. Oh, and the fact that Merdeux were rubbish."

Bizarrely, Roy Race opted to watch the game muzzled and hidden in a barbed wire cage

Rovers face another rubbish team (Palermo, played 4, lost 4) at the weekend, well aware that these are the kind of games they must win in order to avoid being the best team at being rubbish in Div 2.

'Mon the hoops!

(MINI) MATCH REPORT - Jubilant Jolly Jokers Jump Jinxed Rovers....Jesus....

7-0. Not even any point going into details. Even Roy Race, elusive at the best of times, hid behind his hands and closed his eyes so that no-one could see him, whilst muttering, "this pitch is jinxed...jinxed I say..." He may have a point - although Rovers have a 100% winning record away from home, in 3 games on their home pitch they have conceded 13 goals and scored just 1.


Tonight Melchester face Merdeux. Merdeux are 2nd from bottom, haven't won a game, and have "Merde" in their name. Surely our heroes can end their losing streak? Watch this space...

MATCH REPORT - Nightmare start for Rovers' Dream Weekend

Rover's hopes of topping the table took a blow last night as they suffered defeat at the hands of INEX-SDA Srbská "B".



Christian demonstrates his pre-match dance routine


Despite a promising start in which Norwegian striker Veggard Nordheim had a 1966-style goal disallowed (it was definitely over the line ref - even their sub said so) and a shot hit the post, Srbska quickly went two goals ahead, and Rovers realised they had a tough task on their hands.


After going three down, Rovers found the net courtesy of Veggard, who finally joined Melchester's illustrious list of scorers.


3-1 at the break, in the second half it was all Melchester could do to keep the score respectable, as Srbska "B", looking suspiciously like Srbska "A", made full use of their possession to fire home another three.


Rovers could point to missed chances and some questionable refereeing decisions, but the truth is that although Melchester didn't play badly, Srbska were on another level, by far the best team the reds have faced so far. Roy Race, who spent much of the game lurking outside the changing rooms of a nearby swimming pool, was quick to fend off suggestions that the game had been a case of men against boys. "Nonsense," blasted England's greatest ever striker, "that would only be the case if they were very old, possibly slightly out of shape men, and the boys were big, big boys, who happened to be very very good at football."


All is not lost, however, as after last night's game the Rovers will have a chance to prove their bouncebackability and match fitness with two games in as many evenings, Sunday and Monday. And with games in hand, top spot is still a very real possibility.


Melchester slip to 10th (with games in hand), while Last Minute - thrashed by Rovers in their last game - go top. Can Rovers overtake them with 6 points from the next two games?

MATCH REPORT - ROVERS HIT LAST MINUTE FOR SIX

Not what it looks like - this is actually essential equipment for the sport of "beer-pong"

In preparation for the weekend's fixture, Rovers embarked on a team-building trip to The Nature(TM), where they underwent a grueling regime of meat eating, beer-drinking and pint-pot-ping-pong*. And so it was that on Sunday they took to the pitch feeling less than confident in their athletic abilities.


Such fears were soon allayed when midfield powerhouse Matt Smith broke forward on the right in the opening minutes and blasted a half-volley across the goal and inside the helpless keeper's left post. No sooner had the crowd resumed their seats when Smith struck again to take him temporarily to the top of Melchester's scoring table.


Colin Kimbrell clearly took note, bagging two for himself before half-time to reclaim top spot, and although Last Minute managed two goals of their own to make the interval score 4-2, it was an upbeat Roy Race who sent his half-time message from an adjacent Toi-Toi portaloo, written on a single sheet of toilet paper with just two words: "Very nice."

Rovers defender and Chief Weapons Expert Roman prepares the goalscorer's bonus

Several Rovers players were incensed before the game that their opponents had opted to play in a kit very similar to that of Tottenham Hotspur, and the similarity continued on the pitch in the 2nd half, as Last Minute spent as much time appealing and complaining to the referee as they did actually playing. Rovers simply carried on regardless, helping Kimbrell to his hat-trick early on in the half. With less than 10 minutes on the clock Last Minute made the score 5-3 to create a flicker of hope, but Martin Mestanek and a relentless Kimbrell soon combined, the latter heading home the former's inch perfect pass to give Kimbrell his 4th, and Mestanek his 3rd assist of the game. For Kimbrell the goals were indeed sweet as they earned him the week's scoring bonus of two freshly-killed ducks, possibly making him the league's highest-paid player.


Other honorable mentions should surely go to Iulien Costea - the 2nd Romanian goalkeeper to suffer injury for Rovers in as many games - a post match examination has revealed Costea fractured a finger early on in the game, which makes it all the more unbelievable that Rovers only conceded three. Iulien will be out of goal for 4 weeks, but the good news is that he will hopefully be fit to resume his defensive role much sooner. Also Ralph Davies, for introducing the phrase "eeyahyahyahyahyahyahyah", meaning "I say old chap, I'm free over here, be a sport and lob the old ball over, eh?"

Top sausage, brown sauce (out of shot) and forest-fresh mushroom omelette - breakfast of champions?

No game next weekend, as the following week Rovers face a fixture nightmare that sees them play two games in consecutive evenings: 8th and 9th October.


*Footage of Rovers' amazing new creation, BeerPong, soon to appear on RoversTV.

MATCH REPORT - First Blood to Rovers

Sunday's tie was not for the squeamish

For the first away game of the season, Rovers travelled to Bohunice to face Karlsberg B for an early kick off in glorious sunshine. And from the first whistle it was immediately clear that this game would be a test of Rover's energy levels in the withering heat.

Rovers defended stoutly throughout the first half, with very few chances to test the opposition's defence. Throwing all they had into keeping Karlsberg at bay, midfield general Matt Smith became the first casualty, victim of a challenge from behind that drew a yellow for the opposition, but blood red for Smith's knees. Moments later a similar challenge on Colin Kimbrell gave Rovers another free kick, albeit one which led to nothing. However, the clearly incensed Kimbrell was quick to exact revenge in the best possible way. To the left of the penalty spot, the ball was threaded through to his feet and the New Orleans maestro buried it in the top right corner to become Melchester Rovers' first ever scorer. A truly historic moment.


Little kid demonstrates it is possible to graze your knees and not make a big girly fuss about it

Karlsberg possibly felt they deserved something from the first half, and began the second with even more determination. Again, Rovers defended deep and were extremely lucky when Karlsberg's best shot of the game hit defender Paul Holland's wrist on the goal-line early in the half. Although accidental (as anyone who's seen him trying to play in goal will confirm, there's no way he could have got his hand to it if he'd actually tried), he'd clearly prevented a certain goal, and Holland feared the worst from the referee. Confusion and controversy followed then, as the referee correctly adjudged it to have been ball to hand and waved away Karlsberg's appeals.

One lucky escape, but disasters were to follow as goalkeeping hero Ionas landed badly whilst collecting a high ball, destroying his ankle in the process. Defensive rock and fellow Romanian Iulien took his place between the sticks, and Rovers appeared to be on the ropes. Another (this time legal) goal-line clearance was an ominous sign, and sure enough, minutes later Karlsberg were level.

Rovers dug deep, however, and began creating some chances at the other end. Finally, with 8 minutes on the clock, Smith also got some payback by rolling the ball past the keeper and into an empty net. With the clock ticking down, the pressure was on the reds to shut up shop for the last barrage from Karlsberg, but with just a couple of minutes left, Kimbrell popped up again to shoot home his second, and secure Melchester's first points.

After the game a mysteriously absent Roy Race sent his congratulations to the Rovers, and particularly 2 goal hero Kimbrell. "Colin's first reminded me of a goal I scored in one of the 517 derbies I played for Rovers against local rivals Melboro" he enthused. "You don't forget those in a hurry."


Colin's goal sort of looked a bit like this