MATCH REPORT - ROVERS HIT LAST MINUTE FOR SIX

Not what it looks like - this is actually essential equipment for the sport of "beer-pong"

In preparation for the weekend's fixture, Rovers embarked on a team-building trip to The Nature(TM), where they underwent a grueling regime of meat eating, beer-drinking and pint-pot-ping-pong*. And so it was that on Sunday they took to the pitch feeling less than confident in their athletic abilities.


Such fears were soon allayed when midfield powerhouse Matt Smith broke forward on the right in the opening minutes and blasted a half-volley across the goal and inside the helpless keeper's left post. No sooner had the crowd resumed their seats when Smith struck again to take him temporarily to the top of Melchester's scoring table.


Colin Kimbrell clearly took note, bagging two for himself before half-time to reclaim top spot, and although Last Minute managed two goals of their own to make the interval score 4-2, it was an upbeat Roy Race who sent his half-time message from an adjacent Toi-Toi portaloo, written on a single sheet of toilet paper with just two words: "Very nice."

Rovers defender and Chief Weapons Expert Roman prepares the goalscorer's bonus

Several Rovers players were incensed before the game that their opponents had opted to play in a kit very similar to that of Tottenham Hotspur, and the similarity continued on the pitch in the 2nd half, as Last Minute spent as much time appealing and complaining to the referee as they did actually playing. Rovers simply carried on regardless, helping Kimbrell to his hat-trick early on in the half. With less than 10 minutes on the clock Last Minute made the score 5-3 to create a flicker of hope, but Martin Mestanek and a relentless Kimbrell soon combined, the latter heading home the former's inch perfect pass to give Kimbrell his 4th, and Mestanek his 3rd assist of the game. For Kimbrell the goals were indeed sweet as they earned him the week's scoring bonus of two freshly-killed ducks, possibly making him the league's highest-paid player.


Other honorable mentions should surely go to Iulien Costea - the 2nd Romanian goalkeeper to suffer injury for Rovers in as many games - a post match examination has revealed Costea fractured a finger early on in the game, which makes it all the more unbelievable that Rovers only conceded three. Iulien will be out of goal for 4 weeks, but the good news is that he will hopefully be fit to resume his defensive role much sooner. Also Ralph Davies, for introducing the phrase "eeyahyahyahyahyahyahyah", meaning "I say old chap, I'm free over here, be a sport and lob the old ball over, eh?"

Top sausage, brown sauce (out of shot) and forest-fresh mushroom omelette - breakfast of champions?

No game next weekend, as the following week Rovers face a fixture nightmare that sees them play two games in consecutive evenings: 8th and 9th October.


*Footage of Rovers' amazing new creation, BeerPong, soon to appear on RoversTV.